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| Yet another sleepless night, though this time I blame it completely on myself. Remind me to never microwave leftover KFC again; I haven't felt this sick in a while.
I talked to my RA yesterday (awesome guy) about my plans for next year, and he wondered why I didn't take a year off. I said I wanted to graduate in four years. He said, "Yeah, that's the problem with a lot of people. They want to finish as soon as possible." In my Career Decision Making class, there was this one lecture in which they told us that there's really no specific timeline for when you should go to college and things like that. It makes me wonder if I'm doing the right thing and if I'm in the right place right now. I mean, I highly doubt I'm going to change my future plans, but I just wonder what things would have been like if I had gone a different route from most of my peers.
I hadn't really thought about this before, but it's highly likely that I'm going to get kicked out of the university anyways.  | | |
| It's 3 in the morning and I can't sleep, as usual. And then I'm tired during the day, even if I had gotten enough sleep the night before. It's been like this for the past few days. I'm probably going through a combination of caffeine withdrawal (tiredness during the day) and stress from school (insomnia).
Speaking of school, I don't know what to do about it anymore. It honestly beats me how anyone gets through college at all, and I certainly don't understand how anyone gets through it successfully. Add in all my other problems, and you've got a failure in your hands. I just hope I can figure things out this summer and next year. I'll definitely need that time.
I don't know what to do once I get back home. I love my high school friends, but it's not the same. I'm not the same. I don't want them to expect the person I used to be. Sometimes I question why I'm even going home, if I might possibly just be confined again. And I certainly question my decision to go to a certain school, if I'm going to be haunted with memories of the past and be reminded everyday of how much it had put me through since over a year ago.
I don't feel much hope these days. Sometimes it breaks through, but it's now mostly hiding behind a thick layer of darkness. Maybe it's the environment, the stress, the pressure. I don't know. I have stuff to look forward to, but then I play out all the hassles and the things that can go wrong in my mind. I need to get out of this...
Actually, you know what I need? I need to know that you'll be there for me when I go home. I need to know that you won't abandon me. I need to know that you won't remind me of the past.
That's all.
God, I don't want to be at school anymore. It's too much. | | |
| I don't know who I am anymore. | | |
| I kinda wonder what my morals and values are now. I've been doing stuff that I've never believed in and I don't want to stop. I'm not alarmed by this transformation, or whatever you want to call it, but it makes me question who I really am or if I've just undergone a huge change within the past couple of months.
Today's Picnic Day, but I don't think I'll be doing anything. I'm sick of being here already. | | |
| So spring break is already over, and I must say it was teh awesome. I didn't get to see as many people or do as many things as I had wanted, but the week was already jam-packed. Hopefully summer will allow more opportunities (though I don't see why it wouldn't).
Spring quarter has started off okay, minus the fact that I'm already dreading all the stuff I have to do for chem. I seriously want to drop it, but...I dunno. I wouldn't know what to do after that. Oh well, just gotta keep telling myself that I won't have to deal with it anymore after this quarter. Unless I fail, which is very likely.
I miss home. A week was so not enough. But at least things are looking up here, so hopefully I'll be okay until I go back again, whenever that may be. | | |
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